It’s funny how every thought you have or decision you have made in the past creates the person you are today. Every person has their purpose, goal, aspiration, or accomplishment in their life. It may not feel like it, but it only hits you when you’re least expecting it. When you spend hours daydreaming about one specific thing or create something so perfect without any effort at all. It’s when you lose time in the day doing and generating what you love. At least, that’s what happened to me.
When I look back on the decisions I have made in my life, I know that I have made many mistakes and overcome hundreds of challenges. Instead of dwelling on the disadvantages that lead me here, I cherish these moments of darkness. Not only have I learned from most of my mistakes, I know that because of them, but I have also finally found my spot in life. Let me tell you about it.
It started at a young age. I was about twelve when I fell in love with the English language. I remember the exact day so vividly. My sister and I had just gotten home from school. She is three years older than I am, and she had come home crying as if someone had ripped her heart out and stomped on it. I came to her side and asked her what was wrong. She said I can’t explain it, but I will read part of my journal to you because that’s how I know how to express myself. As I listened carefully to her writing style and looked at how neat her writing was with little doodles in the corner of her pages, I felt a calm wash over me. She had quotes and little sayings everywhere throughout her journal entry (I found out later, they were just clippings from the internet). Her entry was about a boy who she had fallen for. He was her world, from what I could tell. After that, I consoled her and ended up straightening her hair while she put on her make-up. All the while, I couldn’t stop thinking about the quotes in her journal that made my heart melt in ways I couldn’t explain. I thought to myself, if only I could have my heart ripped out, maybe I would come up with inspiring quotes and journal entries to make myself feel better. Be careful what you wish for – I was twelve.
Not long after that, we had moved, and I held onto my sisters’ journal because she had left it behind. Although it never had sappy quotes or in-depth heart-wrenching sadness, I started a journal of my own. It was filled with my daily life. Close to a year later, I had met this boy. He was my best friend at the time. He introduced me to his best friend, and that boy became my first love. I forgot all about writing, journaling, and quotes. But then it happened! At the age of fourteen, I had my heart ripped out. I had loved this boy with all my heart. I couldn’t breathe when he ended things. I fell desperate by the phone, waiting for him to call to take it all back. I cried myself to sleep every night. I even got picked on by everyone saying, “that wasn’t love, sweetheart.” What did they know about love? How could they possibly imagine the pain I was feeling. I couldn’t think of anything feeling worse than how I felt. So, I pulled out my trusty pen and my lucky journal and wrote.
I wrote for hours. I wrote so much I hadn’t even noticed my fingers were cramping, and I had a little blister starting. But, when I read it back to myself afterward, I realized I had written a poem. This poem was jumbled and mixed and all over the place, but it was terrific. The next day, I went back to my journal entry and rewrote this poem. It was amazing. It made me feel amazing too. I couldn’t wait to read it to my family and friends. When I did, they really felt what I was feeling. I remember their compliments and the way their faces looked, and their jaws dropped from reading what I wrote. It was the most incredible feeling in the world.
After that, it was like I couldn’t stop. I had written many poems after that, and each one was better than the last. I finally found an outlet for the struggles in my life. I found my spot in the world, and it was to write a language so deep that power came through every word. My spot doesn’t stop there, though.
Years later, I was about twenty-two years old, still writing poetry, and had fallen in love a few more times. By this time, I had a two-year-old boy, and I was living on my own. I started a budding romance with my soul-mate – which was good because my poetry took a turn for the better. Rather than sappy breakup words, I found the words to express this exhilarating connected love I felt deep in my heart I had never felt before. I didn’t know it at the time, though, because we were best friends. I knew we couldn’t go any further as he was my boy’s step-uncle. Though we both felt such a strong connection, after a year, it just became harder and harder to be around him. However, I couldn’t ignore the fact that I would be lost without him, so I never said a word. Eventually, we both sat down and talked about being together, so it happened. We moved to Vancouver Island in Victoria BC, and our love only grew from there.
He had convinced me to publish all of my poetry from the last eight years in Victoria, BC. I was so nervous, but I went to a place called TellWell publishing and spoke with someone who told me I could trust them – that they would take care of everything. I had lost many poems, but I managed to scrounge up about sixty poems for my new book. With my soul-mate’s help and some money I had saved up, the idea became a reality. TellWell had published my book under a pen-name; Lynn Darling. When I saw my book on amazon kindle as Love, Life, and Experience, for the first time, my heart leaped out of my throat and sunk into my stomach about ten times before I realized what I was looking at was my book! I created a pen-name because my poetry was so personal that I was afraid I would be judged as the person I am now. My oh my, have I grown since then.
After I had it published, the company stopped contacting me. I didn’t know how to promote, I didn’t know how to market, I had no idea what to do next. But as I scanned through my new book, I realized I should have edited it. First, there were errors and poems I didn’t want in there. The introduction was all wrong. I returned to the company, and they wanted even more money to make the changes I wanted. I couldn’t afford that – I had a child, a cat I loved, rent, bills, and just life! So, I prayed that no one would see it. If I just ignored it, maybe it would go away. That worked for a few years, but it’s always in the back of my mind. When I have some extra time and money, I will repurchase my book and make the changes myself. This is where my new dream and purpose came to life – non-fiction writing.
That is a story for another time. I still write poetry from time to time, but it has definitely decreased in the past year. When I found my love for non-fiction, I realized this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. As I said at the beginning of this article, it’s funny how every thought leads to the decisions you made. These decisions shape our lives and turn us into who we are today. If it wasn’t for non-fiction writing, I don’t believe I would be the person I am now. I have learned so much from this career choice in the past two years that I wouldn’t give it up for the world! When it comes to finding your purpose in life or your’ spot,’ remember, you don’t need to look too far as it could be the very thing that is staring you in the face right now. All you have to do is open your eyes and note the little things that make you smile. From there, you will have your answers.
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